ashley.delicious.’s blog

that's exactly what i needed to read

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FML!

my head hurts.

like....wtf ashley? you were fine, she calls you and you cry like a fucking two year old?
i love her:[ i love her with everything in me, and that won't go away.
even if it did for her, it hasn't for me. and hearing her voice.....
seeing her face.....omgg, makes me so happy but breaks my heart so bad.
everyday i suffer from broken heart syndrome. i'm still so deeply in love with her.
monday will be two months that we've been apart, i hate it. absolutely hate it.
someday we'll know really makes me think of her, like.....everything does.
i can't believe next sunday it would've been 25 months.
we, sadly, only made it to 22 and 25 days.
it's amazing how much she's truly moved on, and i mean...
that's great for her, but hurts me so bad.
i wish i could do that:[ but i can't..... maybe i was
just more invested into us to begin with?
who knows.
i know i'm currently invested into
something that is so gone, i lost my wages
on wall street. except, so much worse! i lost my love...
in las vegas. it's funny how with her, i wanted to get married, wanted
to have kids... now the thought seriously makes my stomach turn.
the thought of marriage and children....gross.
i wish i could tell her everything i was thinking, and feeling
but i can't. know why? it wouldn't matter. what would it do?
cause a fight. but there's so much i wanna say, and i won't even
say it here. it's best for me to hold it all in.
time to man up, continue to be strong. and just hold on,
cuz she's already let go....if we both to it'll crash.
i'm not ready for the bang.

</3

i've been thinking about kiara alot lately, a hella lot. and like it sucks, it really does. we haven't talked in two weeks, and as much as i know it's better for me, i hate it. i love her, and it sucks not speaking to the one you love. i wrote my narrative today, and it was about her and like wow...just wow. it was amazing writing, and really made me think, and really made me cry. like i think back to everything we had and i just don't see how we got here. i never imagined it getting here. i never wanted it to get here. maybe one day we'll be friends again? but idk how to be her friend. i just like......idk. anyways, i'm doing pretty well in school, and my friend count is down to minimum lol. i just don't like people, it's quite disappointing. i'm happy to announce i have after high school plans, and hopefully we stick to them. however, this person and i agreed not to say anything of our plans untill like..... it happens lmao. other certain people will whine about it and i'm just not into that. anyways, i'm tired....was gonna vox longer but changed my mind. night kids<3

Kiss

why is it still getting to me? why does it still hurt?
SHE LIKES SOMEONE ELSE ASHLEY, MOVE THE FUCK ON!!!

but but but, i love her :[.
i'm always going to love her.
she doesn't love me anymore though.
and that's so hard to accept.

i gave her ring back, which was one of
the hardest things in the world
for me, do i get so much as a thank you?
HA! course not.

snap out of this mood ashley.
put on your front and go about your business!

man, i feel so freaking played. it hurts so bad, i just burst into tears. like...i've been trying to be soo soo soo cool about it and just let you do whatever you need to do to be happy, but it's hella taking its toll on me. i fucking love you. i love you so much, i constantly give myself to you. constantly there for you. always. and like....you forreal only care about like being with that girl, just don't want me mad at you. i just wanna scream choose, but i won't be chosen. and that's the worst feeling ever, i've been here for two freakin' years. two years. and you're so easy to want someone else. how do you sleep at night? you want all the physicalities, you wanna date, you wanna baby me, you wanna be baby but...you don't want the commitment? why the hell did you even put a ring on my finger if you don't wanna hold to it? "for better or worse, till death do us part." or really...."for better and when we're at our worst i'm gonna give up on her." or "till another girl do us part." everyone is so sick of your games, and i mean everyone. jess,jess,derek,kristi and especially me. i get the worst of it all, when i'm the one who cares the most. i give you everything and anything you want because i feel that's the only way i can make you stay, and maybe make you come back. i'm putting myself and my broken heart RIGHT THERE and you're just...... not even caring about it. you're just like, i don't wanna hurt anyone. so two people is better for you? i've never been so conflicted, i mean i may have liked someone for a little bit. but never have i been so conflicted if i want you or not, i've always wanted you. always loved you. and....for what? to make you potentially love someone else? my heart is just breaking everyday, every damn day. but i come back. and why? because i love you. i love you with everything in me, so much that i'd give the world and more for you. and you'd give....nothing for me. nothing. i used to  know exactly how you feel about me and now i just feell......used. absolutely used. like if you weren't scared to make me angry, you'd be dating kristi. but i know if kristi was gone, you'd be dating me. i always forgive you, always let you back in, always come back because i want you. i don't necessarily need you. i just need water and air. but you...i want. because i love you so much. and to be wanted is a far better honor than to be needed. you don't even want me anymore. do you know how bad that kills me, like......why not just kill me? you just....are pushing the wronggg people away. it'll catch up to you in the long run, i've been here for two years kiara, loved you for two years, was your diary for two years, helped with every problem for two years, was there at 2 am when you needed someone to talk to for two years, stood by your side for two years, calmed you down for two years whenever you were angry, held your hand for two years, i did EVERYTHING that i could to make you happy. and yea, i know i messed up sometimes...but we both have. i gave you my whole entire heart, i trusted you, i love you, i gave you the ultimate commitment, i let you into my life and my history, i dealt with my family for you, i gave up stuff for you, everything. and i can promise you...nobody else will do that like me. nobody else will be there like me. nobody else will care like me. nobody else will love you like me. nobody. you are the love of my life, and i've only ever wanted to spend it with you, only you. and you wanna spend sections with me? it really sucks that there's absolutely nothing i can do to make you come back, nothing but deal with it. and even that's getting to hard. i'm so helpless when it comes to you...and if i said it before i've said it a thousand times, the only person who can save me from you, is you. i love you.

i'm just really being worn down here...
soon i'll be worn down to nothing:[

i can't cry anymore.

but can't stop.

omgggg i feel soooo sick

that because you don't see it my feelings just
should not even be put into account.
what i say isn't true so therefore lets not listen.
what i'm saying is a lie just because you don't realize,
so therefore lets not fix it.
let's not believe what ashley is saying because you're blind.
once you show me i can trust you, i will do so.

so much for change.

we're no longer one,

we have our own lives.

our own friends.

when we used to be ONE person, ONE life, ONE everything.

do we continue as two, even though we just got back together...

or do we merge into one, though neither one likes the other's life...

so confused.

i love her so much,somuchh!
and i wanna be with her forever,
i trueeeelyyy do.  
but i don't love the people in her life
and she doesn't love the people in mine.
but i of course love my people,
and she loves hers.
i don't wanna seperate her from hers
she doesn't wanna seperate mine from mine,
but how do we hang out with eachohter
and hang out with our friends?

blah.

hiding my feelings and thoughts,
on some real shit. like if anybody
knew what i was thinking or feeling
all the time you'd think i was fuccin
crazy. that's why i just keep it to myself,
but i ferreal needs to get my mind right
cuz like...shit is fuckin' me up inside.
GET IT TOGETHERRR ASHLEY!

in other news, school starts in a few
days. tonight i plan on ummmmm....
OH YEA! doing some more apush
bullshit :[.

i'll do like.... 8 chapters. will take bout...
2-3 hours. lameeee.

madonna is such a cougar.

perfectly<3

if i only i could
bring myself to do
that damn summer assignment.

but anyways, i love life.

<3